Eternal desire

It amuses me. 1000 years. Yes that’s how long it has been. I have seen a great deal in such a long time. I don’t remember exactly but I will tell you what I can.

He appeared before me 1000 years ago. He was the all-powerful, maybe God or maybe the Devil. He stood right before me completely naked, but he still looked majestic. He told me that he would grant me three wishes because my life and the way I lived it amused him (I don’t know what had amused him so much. I still wonder if he was God, or the devil or maybe someone else).
I told him that I didn’t wish for anything, I only had desires (lots of desires) and I wanted those desires to be fulfilled, but not by him. I wanted to fulfill those desires myself, go through the long arduous path like everybody. I wanted to suffer, grieve, mourn, and lament. I wanted to be gratified, delighted and pleased. I wanted joy and pain. I wanted to be loved, and be hated. No, I didn’t want all my desires to be fulfilled by him instantly besides I didn’t even know all my desires yet.
“ But yes” I said. “ There is something you can do for me”

He said “ HaHa ..You amuse me so much, more than anyone ever has. Go ahead ask for it. Ask what you want, you deserve it.”

Me: I want time to have no significance for me

Him: Do you want to be immortal?

Me: No, I still want the uncertainty of death to be there; it takes away all the fun otherwise. I might die in an accident, or commit suicide, or somebody might murder me, but I don’t want to grow old and die, I want to be young forever. I wish to fulfill all my desires, and never run out of time. Time should have no meaning for me, so that I can fulfill all my desires and never be afraid of running out of time. Do you understand me?

Him: Time is something I invented to keep you busy. Anyway that’s besides the point your wish is granted. And something I would like you to remember--Never forget to amuse yourself.

With that he was gone just like a dream.

Me and my desires we were together now and we were in love. It was time that was the reason for all acrimony between us and now I had made it defunct. The Journey together was beautiful. We traveled through meadows and beaches, hills and valleys, always together. I had so much to know about her and about myself.

I did what I pleased for as long as I pleased. I could spend an eternity doing nothing and there still would be an eternity left to do everything. I had no worries because every mistake I made, I had an eternity to make amends. Every time I got hurt I had an eternity to heal my wounds. I followed my desires now. If I wished to sleep I slept, if I wanted to go on vacation for a year to a far off beach I could. I could squander away all my money in one night and work my ass off for the whole of next year. I could spend an infinite amount of time on learning the guitar, or chasing the girl of dreams. I could love people for as long as I wanted to, even when they loved me no more. In my long years of existence I had made love to many beautiful women, I had read a lot, learnt a lot, shared a lot, made many friends (enemies I don’t remember them much). I traveled around the world, tasted every dish and drank every exotic wine. (I had even fought wars, hurt and betrayed people but I don’t remember that much.)

Time passed by

I didn’t feel it then but I realize it now. Slowly I was satisfied with what I got to eat; I never yearned to taste good food. Women didn’t matter anymore. To learn anything was futile. My desires were fading away. The arduous path that led to fulfillment of my desires, well it was too steep now (or maybe I was more lazy). Anyway what did I get out of fulfilling my desires? Why take the trouble? I have air to breathe, water to drink and food to eat. That’s all I need.
Desires were fading away. My love affair it seems was ending. Maybe Time and Desire were lovers and I was the reason for this acrimony. I had taken away time from desire and now she was betraying me. A revenge maybe?

I waited long enough and then I gave up. I gave up my desires. I don’t desire anymore and I don’t think I want to. Every time I fulfilled my desire for that moment everything was so beautiful, so peaceful. It was those moments that I lived for. I cherish them. Those are the only moments I remember. Those were the moments of peace that made me want to live. And now that I don’t have any desire I have it anyway. I have peace. I desire nothing and I have peace. Not just momentary peace but eternal peace. But one desire remains, just a one last one, the desire to be alive.Now that I look back and think, something amuses me. When I die I will have no desires, not even the desire to live.I would have peace and I would have an eternity. Is that what I wished for?

Why do I live? Hope. Yes hope that’s what kept me alive. Maybe desire still loves me. Maybe I just don’t know her well enough. She’s a mystery, an enigma. Maybe there is something about her I don’t know yet? Maybe she will reveal it to me someday, something she has been hiding from me, and maybe we will fall in love once again. A new desire which will make the arduous path seem worthwhile again.